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 Language Learning Forum : Questions About Your Target Languages |  | |
| daniel-italia Diglot Newbie Italy danielfavento.it Joined 5565 days ago 22 posts - 22 votes Speaks: Italian*, English Studies: German, Spanish, Romanian | Message 1 of 17 10 September 2009 at 7:33pm | IP Logged | |||||
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Could someone give it a look please?
Thanks! You have heard that the local government is planning to spend millions on building an extension to the Town Hall. You think it is unnecessary, especially since this extension would be built on what is now a playground for children. Write a letter (about 250 words) to the local newspaper giving reasons for your objection to the extension and explaining how the money could be spent in a better way to improve life for the inhabitants of your town. Do not write any addresses. Hello I'm Daniel Favento and I've been living here for more than 20 years. I'm fahter of two sons aged 8 and 11. I've always brought them to the playground and most of the neighbourhood's children can be found everyday climbing up frames and having fun on slides and seesaws. Are we allowed to take away one of their fews sane entertainments like the playground is? I'm afraid not. We often hear about kids stuck at home playing videogames for hours, or being on computers for the whole daytime. I'm sick of it all, and I'm sure you are, too. Our children have the right to play football on a playground grass. I can't guess what would be going to happen if their slides and seesaws disappeard. Would they play on the streets? Or would they prefer to stay at home in front of the Play Station? Is this the future we want for our children? I personally can't say if the Town Hall really needs an exstention. I just trust the government. But I think we could find a more reasonable solution. Why couldn't that old gym by the Town Hall be knocked down? It would be replaced by the new bigger one. As for the money, it has better to be used in works such as bettering the bus service and remaking some streets of the center that are still full of holes. The rest could be saved for future plans. I hope in a close plan's revision. I've always appreciated our government's policy, and I'm sure it's going to go the right way! Edited by daniel-italia on 10 September 2009 at 7:37pm 1 person has voted this message useful | ||||||
| Sennin Senior Member Bulgaria Joined 6040 days ago 1457 posts - 1759 votes  5 sounds | Message 2 of 17 10 September 2009 at 8:38pm | IP Logged | |||||
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It is good but I can see a few grammatical and stylistic glitches. At a glance:
Hello -> Dear Editor, / Dear Sir or Madam, I am father of two sons -> I am the father of two sons most neighbourhood's children -> most children in the neighbourhood one of their fews sane entertainments -> one of the few sane entertainments they have like the playground is -> such as enjoying themselves at the playground (the playground itself is a place not an entertainment) being on computers -> sitting in front of a computer . But I think -> but I think it would be replaced -> it could be replaced it has better to be used -> it better be used remaking some streets -> repairing some streets full of holes -> riddled with potholes I hope in a close plan's revision -> I hope for a close revision of the plan Without getting into much detail, you should start with a should paragraph explaining your reasons for writing etc. You're likely to loose some points because you don't have a proper introduction. Trust me, I've done quite a few pointless letters addressed to a hypothetical newspaper ^_^. In a formal letter avoid using the liaisons it's, couldn't, and so on. Use the full forms instead - it is, could not, cannot. Also, never end a formal letter with an exclamation mark! ;) I hope this helps. Edited by Sennin on 10 September 2009 at 9:21pm 1 person has voted this message useful | ||||||
| daniel-italia Diglot Newbie Italy danielfavento.it Joined 5565 days ago 22 posts - 22 votes Speaks: Italian*, English Studies: German, Spanish, Romanian | Message 3 of 17 11 September 2009 at 10:52am | IP Logged | |||||
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Thank you very much Sennin
It has helped me a lot
I wanted to use the "had better" form, but I did some mistakes on forming it :) Could I write "it had better be used"? 1 person has voted this message useful | ||||||
| Cainntear Pentaglot Senior Member Scotland linguafrankly.blogsp Joined 6017 days ago 4399 posts - 7687 votes Speaks: Lowland Scots, English*, French, Spanish, Scottish Gaelic Studies: Catalan, Italian, German, Irish, Welsh | Message 4 of 17 11 September 2009 at 10:55pm | IP Logged | |||||
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Sorry Daniel,
I'm not going to help you with your homework, but I'll warn you that while Sennin's general advice is good, his specific corrections aren't really any better than your original. Eg
"It better be used" is not appropriate here. "You better (do something)" is a corruption of "you'd better (do something)", which in turn is a contraction of "you had better (do something)", and "it better be done" is just the passive of "you better do it", so it doesn't follow your advice about not using contracted/reduced forms in formal letters. Now "you had better do it" is normally used as a warning and quite often is a threat. You cannot say it in a formal letter. 1 person has voted this message useful | ||||||
| The Real CZ Senior Member United States Joined 5655 days ago 1069 posts - 1495 votes Speaks: English* Studies: Japanese, Korean | Message 5 of 17 12 September 2009 at 3:39am | IP Logged | |||||
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Besides spell-checking, the only part that I see is a problem besides what else has already been mentioned is:
"or being on computers for the whole daytime." It should be [without the comma in front of "or"] "or being on computers (for) the whole day." Regarding 'for', sometimes it can just be dropped, at least in everyday speech, but I'm not sure for papers. -- Also, for an essay, write in third person. Avoid using 'I' and 'you'. I'm assuming this is for a college composition class. It is hard to write a paper without using those two words, so you really need to reword your sentences without using them while still being natural. 1 person has voted this message useful | ||||||
| Sennin Senior Member Bulgaria Joined 6040 days ago 1457 posts - 1759 votes 5 sounds | Message 6 of 17 12 September 2009 at 5:24pm | IP Logged | |||||
Cainntear, you can be a very annoying individual sometimes ;p. The expression "it better be ..." is informal, that much I accept. My apologies go to daniel-italia for suggesting this particular form. I did it because the letter started in a rather informal fashion and later on I realised it is a letter to a newspaper. However, I don't think "it better be used" is wrong. If memory serves, you were the one to defend "forms in popular use" as being correct by virtue of their popularity alone. Now you're making a U-turn and defending the opposite idea. Moreover, I can't accept your claim that "his (i.e. my) specific corrections aren't really any better". You start with a single one out of my corrections, label it as wrong, and then generalize to all of them... sorry but it doesn't work this way. Please, refer to this article. 1 person has voted this message useful | ||||||
| Sennin Senior Member Bulgaria Joined 6040 days ago 1457 posts - 1759 votes 5 sounds | Message 7 of 17 12 September 2009 at 5:43pm | IP Logged | |||||
That's true. The letter can be further improved by using more impersonal and varied grammatical constructions. 1 person has voted this message useful | ||||||
| Cainntear Pentaglot Senior Member Scotland linguafrankly.blogsp Joined 6017 days ago 4399 posts - 7687 votes Speaks: Lowland Scots, English*, French, Spanish, Scottish Gaelic Studies: Catalan, Italian, German, Irish, Welsh | Message 8 of 17 12 September 2009 at 8:44pm | IP Logged | |||||
That's wrong on two counts: First of all, while I have always said that I am in favour of using language as it is spoken, I also always say that when someone is learning for an exam, I would teach the forms that they need in the exam. I'm assuming that the course Daniel is taking expects him to be able to use formal language appropriately. Secondly, and more importantly, this is not just a question of formal vs informal, but the form "it better be" is completely incorrect in this context. As I said, it's a threat or a warning -- "you'd better stop that" normally means that there is a direct negative consequence, for example "or I'll punch you". In this case, what Daniel was trying to get to is that "the money would be better spent on..." The reason I only mentioned one of your errors is that explaining the error gives Daniel his answers, and I am not willing to do his homework for him -- that's not how you learn a language, and that's not what we're here for (see site rules). 1 person has voted this message useful |
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