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Breaking up in twelve languages | ||
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 Language Learning Forum : General discussion |  | |
| rmatthew Newbie United States Joined 5632 days ago 4 posts - 4 votes | Message 1 of 20 26 June 2009 at 8:05pm | IP Logged |
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I hear so much about individual drives to learn languages on this forum. The anxiety to move abroad, to immerse oneself in an ever growing number of languages, to devote all free moments to the acquisition of them. I am obsessed: I spend nearly every moment pursuing my studies, or at least thinking about them.
This is starting to affect my relationship with my wonderful girlfriend. I used to travel a lot; by the time I was 21 I had spend a few years in about 30 countries. A couple years ago I did the most extreme thing I've ever done by deciding to give up a year in Chile to be with her. I do not regret it, we live together and share an inexplicably joyous life, but after graduating and having spent three years in San Francisco I am now faced with the anxiety to live abroad and study language. She has no option but to remain here for three more years. I would never be able to overestimate the complications that this has created. For me it has become a question of living abroad and dedicating myself to study, or establishing myself in one place and giving up that option. I can't go on shorter trips and come home occasionally because I can't afford to pay rent in two places. I have considered ending my relationship over this, even though I know that it's absurd and that language study, in comparison, is trivial. I never hear anything about relationships on this forum. Sure, you could say that any aspect of study or dedication to a particular activity could create this problem, but language study is unique in that it, for me anyways, creates an indelible desire to live in other countries. Or is it really just a matter of finding good resources and learning languages at home until options present themselves in a clearer way? I am not looking for any answers, I am just wondering how you all have balanced relationships and language study, especially study that leads or has led you abroad. Preferably if you live together. Matthew. Edited by rmatthew on 26 June 2009 at 9:58pm 1 person has voted this message useful | |
| Sunja Diglot Senior Member Germany Joined 6087 days ago 2020 posts - 2295 votes  1 sounds Speaks: English*, German Studies: French, Mandarin | Message 2 of 20 26 June 2009 at 8:15pm | IP Logged |
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Wow, that's what I call a first post. Welcome! Maybe you're girlfriend could travel with you? If the study of language is your passion then it's not trivial. Your passion is what drives you, what makes you who you are. I'd say that's the least thing you should give up.
EDIT: to answer your question, my friend brought me to Germany. We're two sides of a coin, Latin and Russian on one side, French Japanese and Spanish on the other. Edited by Sunja on 26 June 2009 at 8:23pm 1 person has voted this message useful | |
| Paskwc Pentaglot Senior Member Canada Joined 5679 days ago 450 posts - 624 votes Speaks: Hindi, Urdu*, Arabic (Levantine), French, English Studies: Persian, Spanish | Message 3 of 20 26 June 2009 at 8:20pm | IP Logged |
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This is an interesting topic.
I suppose I have two things going in my favour (and that of my relationships): my enthusiasm for language learning is not as great as yours and I don't have the resources to study abroad. If traveling is a problem, you don't have to; you can accomplish a lot from home. In fact, I would bet that most forum members probably study from home. Hope this helped, I couldn't think of much. 1 person has voted this message useful | |
| Zeitgeist21 Senior Member United Kingdom Joined 5647 days ago 156 posts - 192 votes Speaks: English* Studies: German, French | Message 4 of 20 26 June 2009 at 8:22pm | IP Logged |
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I haven't had this problem but an idea that could be interesting for you is trying something similar to languages but slightly different such as music. It's very similar in the way you learn it and how it's constructed, so you might get a similar kind of pleasure from it like me.
To speak spontaneously in a language (or compose in music) you need one of two things though preferably both. A study of the grammar (or music theory) or mass exposure (developing your ability to play by ear and then mass exposure). Technique (or pronounciation) is often considered something that you either can do or you can't though if you spend enough time on either it's very possible to get perfect. There are lots of different languages (or instruments) but they all express the same things. There are patterns that go in common for all of them and related languages can be very easy to learn when you already know one (similar instruments, e.g. saxaphone after the clarinet). There are often regional dialects (different genres) that cam render the language incoprehensible (impossible to appreciate) but this can usually be overcome by lots of exposure and a better understanding of the culture. The principal difference is that language expresses fact, opinions and feelings whereas music just expresses the later, with an arguably more developed form of what expresses most of the emotion in language; intonation. Forgive my crappy analogies but just another hobby that's linked, or at least for me, I love them both and this one is much less intrinsically linked to travel. If this interest's you then I can recommend you some material to start learning regardless of what instrument you want to pick up, though more if you want to learn guitar. Probably not that helpful but just an idea =) Also with the way I see things with languages versus relationships, I could never love a language enough to spend my entire life with it but a person... Stick it out a bit and maybe after the three years you can travel together a bit and teach her a couple of languages =) Edited by WillH on 26 June 2009 at 8:29pm 1 person has voted this message useful | |
| FrenchLanguage Senior Member Germany Joined 5738 days ago 122 posts - 135 votes | Message 5 of 20 26 June 2009 at 8:49pm | IP Logged |
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"Or is it really just a matter of finding good resources and learning languages at home until options present themselves in a clearer way? "
Not sure if I understand you correctly, but I think with your kind of motivation, you might be able to even become fluent at a language without moving (or ever going) abroad. When I was 17 I wanted to learn English (and be fluent at it), and by the time I was 19 (maybe 18 already?) I had native speakers on instant messenger tell me I "sounded" like a native speaker myself. I know that Im not really of low intelligence, but I think the reason why I was able to become fluent at English that quickly was my extreme motivation/curiosity. People always say "you have to live in the country to become truly fluent at a language", but I guess thats one of those things that is only true for the vast majority of people not for all :P. And I think what sets those who can apart from those who cant is (extreme) curiosity/motivation...you can do all the things at home in your country that you could do abroad IF you have the motivation to search out those opportunities and totally immerse yourself in the language and practice for hours daily (you can probably also find native speakers in your area..or get to know them online to practice using voice chat). Admittedly, you need to be crazy and obsessed with languages to do that, but it seems that you are if youre considering breaking up with a happy relationship because of that ;). I think I should mention that there are two problems if you study like that: 1)you need to make sure you practice actually speaking and understanding (the spoken language) or youll lag behind in that area. 2)you might have trouble with every day vocabulary. Some words in English that one would use every other day living in an English-speaking country only came to me a bit later (this is a bad example, but for example...you never speak about things such as tying your shoes online! lol - if you get to know native speakers in your area that shouldnt be a problem though). Anyway I think you should be able to get to a decent level w/o even moving abroad (for now). not sure if I even understood your point - sorry LOL 1 person has voted this message useful | |
| Britomartis Groupie United States Joined 5811 days ago 67 posts - 74 votes Speaks: English* Studies: Spanish, Mandarin | Message 6 of 20 26 June 2009 at 9:51pm | IP Logged |
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Languages are your passion, and you love to travel. Don't call that trivial or something to be sacrificed. The question is do you really love this girl? Can you see yourself marrying her? Possibly having kids with her? If the relationship can never reach that, why sacrifice so much? If the relationship goes sour, you will regret all those opportunities that you missed.
Is there any reason that she can't travel too? Does she love languages as well? It really helps in a relationship if the couple has a common passion. You might consider trying a long distance relationship. If the two of you can still maintain a strong relationship while you spend time abroad, it will be stronger. If you really want to become fluent in a language, you will have to be immersed in it. There is no real substitute for spending time in a foreign country. Fortunately, my boyfriend and I both love languages and agree on many language-related issues, so I doubt this will be a huge issue (though if he is still working in the States, and I want to study abroad in Israel, it might be hard). 1 person has voted this message useful | |
| reasonableman Newbie United Kingdom Joined 5657 days ago 33 posts - 35 votes Speaks: English* Studies: Turkish | Message 7 of 20 27 June 2009 at 9:44am | IP Logged |
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This will probably sound a little harsh and un-feeling but sometimes it's best to put these things in the open.
As much as we like to think and is re-inforced by society, a person is not that unique. Should this relationship break up then chances are you will find someone you get on just as well with, likewise you are not that unique and are also replaceable, especially as you seem quite young so you both have plenty of time. So don't over-estimate the cost of ending a relationship. Added to that travelling is easiest when young. Most people do forsee getting a family but realistically you don't need to priortise this until your early-30s (and as a male there is no 'biological clock' so you can probably wait longer). Furthermore I believe you only live once so you should spend time doing things you love. My advice would be to give serious consideration to ending your relationship. If you are held back from your passion and stay together it is highly likely to 'poison' the future of the relationship. If you decide that it is worth risking the relationship for - discuss it with your girlfriend. There might be a compromise you can reach (like you wait 3 years studying via the 'net then you both spend a significant time travelling). Finally don't undervalue your passion for languages. You refer to it as trivial yet it is as worthshile as any other endevour. Imagine replacing language study with 'work' or 'science' or something else you value but don't consider 'trivial'. 1 person has voted this message useful | |
| Ashley_Victrola Senior Member United States Joined 5708 days ago 416 posts - 429 votes Speaks: English* Studies: French, Romanian | Message 8 of 20 27 June 2009 at 3:36pm | IP Logged |
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I don't have an idea but just wanted to say I totally relate to that as I had to tell my boyfriend of like 2 years that, look I have to go to France for the next 6 months because beong fluent in French and going there for an extended time has like always been my dream and such.
1 person has voted this message useful |
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