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Why won’t she speak Croatian with me? | ||
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 Language Learning Forum : Advice Center |  | |
| yall Diglot Newbie Italy Joined 5760 days ago 22 posts - 31 votes Speaks: English*, Italian Studies: Latin, French | Message 9 of 33 23 October 2011 at 5:13pm | IP Logged | ||
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There could be any number of reasons why she prefers to speak English with you. I would say that you should respect that and not push the issue. The last thing you want is for her to get annoyed at you for constantly bringing up Croatian.
As a language learning enthusiast, I can imagine how having a girlfriend who is a native speaker of another language would seem like a prime opportunity to get fluent, but I think you should resist the temptation to use her like a conversation partner. That's not why you're together. Like ember said, putting her in that role by asking her to speak Croatian one day a week or whatever could change the dynamic of your relationship, and maybe not for the better. Edited by yall on 23 October 2011 at 5:29pm 2 persons have voted this message useful | |||
| hrhenry Octoglot Senior Member United States languagehopper.blogs Joined 4929 days ago 1871 posts - 3642 votes  Speaks: English*, SpanishC2, ItalianC2, Norwegian, Catalan, Galician, Turkish, Portuguese Studies: Polish, Indonesian, Ojibwe | Message 10 of 33 23 October 2011 at 5:22pm | IP Logged | ||
I've mentioned this in another thread, but in my experience (with my ex-wife), it's REALLY difficult to switch languages once you've established that relationship in one language. It forms an integral part of that relationship's identity. It's not just with romantic partners either. I have a good friend who is native Italian. We became friends when I spoke no Italian, although I suppose I understood maybe 35 or so percent, so we began our friendship in English. He has seen me learn Italian through university level. We still speak English between ourselves. The only time we speak Italian is when we are amongst purely Italian speakers. I wouldn't worry about speaking Croatian with her. Form new friendships based on Croatian and be happy with that. As you've said, it won't harm your relationship with her at all, and you'll have gained other friendships on which you CAN base the language. You may find that with time, she'll participate in your other friendships using Croatian as the base to communicate. R. == 1 person has voted this message useful | |||
| Solfrid Cristin Heptaglot Winner TAC 2011 & 2012 Senior Member Norway Joined 5133 days ago 4143 posts - 8864 votes Speaks: Norwegian*, Spanish, Swedish, French, English, German, Italian Studies: Russian | Message 11 of 33 23 October 2011 at 5:27pm | IP Logged | ||
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I have a similar situation with a good friend of mine. She is a Spanish speaker, but married to a Norwegian and with Norwegian kids. Her husband spoke English with her, her kids speak Spanish to her and I - am a lazy bones and speak Spanish with her myself, even though she has begged me to teach her Norwegian, and I have even given her a few classes.
The thing is that in most conversations we tend to go for the way of least resistance, which means that you will choose the language in which communication flows with most ease. I am sure she is very sincere when she says that it means the world to her that you speak Croation, it is just that it is so much easier to speak English. You mentioned that she will use Croation in romantic situations, so one obvious answer is to create more romantic situations :-) I also agree with the advice in seeing Croation friends as much as possible. That will make her more used to speak Croation to you, and it will make the whole sitation more natural. 3 persons have voted this message useful | |||
| VityaCo Bilingual Triglot Senior Member United States Joined 6880 days ago 79 posts - 86 votes 1 sounds Speaks: Russian*, Ukrainian*, English Studies: Spanish, Japanese, French | Message 12 of 33 23 October 2011 at 6:11pm | IP Logged | ||
I would like to add here and for ember's advise a little clarification. While I was reading your post I had the same thoughts, kind off. I moved to America with my kids 6 years old and 1, now they speak, I would call it, a household Ukrainian and some Russian, but mostly English. Why? It is so ease to them. They had being in school for 11 and 6 years, 8 hours a day and it covers everything: history, botanic, math, chemistry and on and on. When I say to them that in order to improve my English and their Ukrainian we are going to speak one day English and one day Ukrainian among us and sure enough, they do not like it. And on the other hand they do not like any other plan on improving our languages. At one meeting I saw this situation. There was a group of 4-5 young couples speaking Russian, all of them were Russians around of 25 years old, but two girls over there came to America in a very young age (2 -4), they were smart, educated, beautiful girls and they spoke Russian, or may be they did not speak it. No they did not speak Russian, they pretended they did speak it, but after a careful observation you would find that they did not. They spoke occasionally a single word in Russian and if they needed to say anything more they would say it in perfect English. When, occasionally, a joke was said and everybody burst out laughing the girls was just barely smiling and their faces and eyes would show that they did not understand the joke. Later, I asked a friend if they speak any Russian and he replied: " if anybody can call it Russian". I hope I gave you some ideas to think. 2 persons have voted this message useful | |||
| cathrynm Senior Member United States junglevision.co Joined 5924 days ago 910 posts - 1232 votes Speaks: English* Studies: Japanese, Finnish | Message 13 of 33 23 October 2011 at 8:36pm | IP Logged | ||
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Yeah, it might be awkward to change languages with your spouse, but I swear, I think it's even more awkward to switch languages with a parent. With me and my father and Japanese, it's just hopelessly awkward. I think he's comfortable with the idea of me studying, and with me learning kanji and the written language, he totally gets this part. But then, I have zero native feel for this. I speak this strange thing, that's constructed from grammar books, language classes and flash cards -- it resembles in many ways actual Japanese, but I think there's a subtle unnaturalness to it that creeps us both out when we're together. With other people, it's fine, but with him, it's just really really weird.
3 persons have voted this message useful | |||
| Cainntear Pentaglot Senior Member Scotland linguafrankly.blogsp Joined 5810 days ago 4399 posts - 7687 votes Speaks: Lowland Scots, English*, French, Spanish, Scottish Gaelic Studies: Catalan, Italian, German, Irish, Welsh | Message 14 of 33 23 October 2011 at 8:44pm | IP Logged | ||
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To summarise all the above:
English is now the "habit" -- it "feels normal" and it "feels right". It's very difficult to change a habit. The best way to do so is to maximise the few situations where Croatian seems normal, and the more you speak Croatian, the more normal it will become. 1 person has voted this message useful | |||
| jdmoncada Tetraglot Senior Member United States Joined 4833 days ago 470 posts - 741 votes Speaks: English*, German, Spanish, Finnish Studies: Russian, Japanese | Message 15 of 33 23 October 2011 at 9:37pm | IP Logged | ||
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I hope I do not seem rude, but to the original question, I wonder why you simply don't ask her. We can make all the conjecture in the world, but the only one who really knows is your girlfriend.
I've experienced language difficulties with other people before, and I know it can be difficult to speak a language with someone you already know. For me personally, my dad is a native Spanish speaker, but I learned my Spanish in school. He knows I speak it fairly well, all things considered, and he's bragged about my abilities to others. But he does not speak Spanish with me. Our relationship was started and remains in English. So your situation could be something like that... where it's hard to change the language once it's been established for the relationship. But really, I'm making guesses. Ask your girlfriend to be sure. 2 persons have voted this message useful | |||
| Cavesa Triglot Senior Member Czech Republic Joined 4808 days ago 3277 posts - 6779 votes Speaks: Czech*, FrenchC2, EnglishC1 Studies: Spanish, German, Italian | Message 16 of 33 23 October 2011 at 11:31pm | IP Logged | ||
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Some time ago, I have seen a very interesting documentary film about a couple living in Czech Republic. He was czech, she was chinese and they had been married for many years (like 20-30). They were asked about their language situation as well and they said that it had been evolving through the years and now it was not uncommon that the woman asked her husband something in czech and he replied in chinese.
I'd say no option is entirely closed for you. Both of you have enough other language partners and you are lucky there is the group of Croatian friends who you find pleasant to speak with so you are not dependent on each other in order to learn a language. You can progress on your own and become as perfect as possible to remove any practical reason to not speak Croatian together. I don't think it is about her wanting to practice her English as I suppose that living in an English speaking country she has enough practice in her job, with English-speaking friends and in most situations of the everyday life. It probably really has more to do with English feeling more right in the situation to her. I don't have personal experience with bilingual relationship but I'd guess it is very similar to many other things that arise when two people are together. Speak about it but don't push too much. It will get solved somehow if you give it the time. And even if it doesn't change, you still seem to have found an exceptional woman. The one you love and want to spend the rest of your life with. That is not so common these days and I am happy for you. 2 persons have voted this message useful |
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