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Why won’t she speak Croatian with me? | ||
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 Language Learning Forum : Advice Center |  | |
| tennisfan Triglot Senior Member United States Joined 5370 days ago 130 posts - 247 votes  Speaks: English*, Italian, Spanish Studies: German | Message 1 of 33 23 October 2011 at 7:45am | IP Logged | ||
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Okay everyone, it's time to give me your best love advice. Thanks in advance to anyone who manages to read all of this.
I'm in a serious relationship with an amazing Croatian woman. She is amazing in every single way, unbelievably intelligent, talented, multilingual, kind, compassionate, feminine, ambitious, caring, and on top of it, she is beautiful. Our relationship is amazing, and I am pretty sure within a few years (or sooner) we'll be married. Before I met her, I didn't know any Serbo-Croatian at all. I had always thought it was (aesthetically) the most beautiful sounding of all the Slavic languages, but I never put much effort into learning it. When I met her, I decide to start studying it--of course, to impress her... but also because I really wanted to be able to communicate with her in her language. I think most people here would agree that that is incredibly important. I've now been studying for about a year and a half now, and I would say I'm around a high intermediate, B2-ish level. With work and everything, I'm happy with that, although I think I could be higher. I have fallen in love with the language, with the country, everything. And I really want to speak the language as perfectly as possible. There's only one problem. ... My girlfriend doesn't really speak Croatian with me. It just so happens that her English is perfect. And when I say perfect, I mean perfect. She isn't a native speaker, yet she has no noticeable accent, her grammar is perfect, every now and then she uses a word that might seem a little strange (the other day she said "cross" in the sense of upset, i.e., "don't be cross, I'm sorry..."). It would take you hours of talking with her to even have the idea that she might not be a native speaker. So of course, when we first met, we spoke only in English. Then I started studying BCS (secretly) with the goal of coming out of nowhere one day and having a small conversation with her. It worked, she was ecstatic, we had already fallen in love, and this made our relationship even deeper. But, as I said, now almost 2 years into our relationship, with my Croatian at a relatively high level for a non-native speaker, we speak sparingly in the language. We speak mostly in English, 95% of the time at least, and she will occasionally throw in a word in Croatian when she can't find it in English. Or she will speak it with me when she is being affectionate, or romantic. But normal, every day conversations, they are ALL had in English. So what do I do? I want more than anything to speak Croatian like she speaks English. And I have someone who speaks the language perfectly, but who doesn't feel like speaking it with me, and I'm not sure why. We've spoken about it a few times. I thought for a while that the fact that I was learning it didn't mean much to her, and she told me I couldn't be more wrong, that it meant everything to her. And I know it does. She doesn't just say that when I ask---out of the blue she often tells me that how much it means to her that I am learning Croatian. But... somehow this doesn't translate into us speaking. I'm just looking for any kind of advice. I love her more than anything, and even if we never had another conversation in Croatian, our relationship would be fine, because no matter what language we are speaking, our connection is there and amazing regardless of the language. But I can't help but think how amazing it would be for me and for her to be able to speak fluently, and when we are together all the time, it would be so easy to make it happen. I don't need a tutor. I just need her to talk to me. So what should I do? We've already talked about it, and nothing changes. It's hard for me, because most of her friends are Croatian, and so when we are with them, they are all AMAZED at my ability (which isn't even that high), and they all cannot get over it, and talk to me non-stop in Croatian to help me. I really try hard to develop a rich vocabulary, especially with verbs, and whenever I whip some fancy verb out, and they laugh and smile and say "wow," it really makes me feel good. With her, those things go unnoticed usually. And yet, recently, I met her parents, who speak no English, and she cried when I spoke to them in Croatian the entire trip, it meant the world to her. But... when we're together, we speak English. I don't know what to do. It's not the end of the world. She has told me in the past that because we met "in English," it's sometimes difficult for her to switch to Croatian. And because we both live in the States and she is around English all the time, she just gets in that "mode" and doesn't switch back to Croatian. I don't know. It's not a huge crisis or anything. Every other thing about our relationship is as perfect as it could be. But I'm just not sure what to do about this. Should I say "can we speak for an hour in Croatian?" or, "can we pick a day of the week and only speak in Croatian?" or... or... or... what? My fantasy is that we could just switch in and out of Croatian and English at will. But we don't. A Croatian word enters every now and then. But full conversations never happen unless I start them, and push them. Should I just accept that this is how it is going to be, and not force something unnatural? I don't know. Has anyone ever been in this situation? I'd love some advice. ... 4 persons have voted this message useful | |||
| napoleon Tetraglot Senior Member India Joined 5026 days ago 543 posts - 874 votes Speaks: Bengali*, English, Hindi, Urdu Studies: French, Arabic (Written) | Message 2 of 33 23 October 2011 at 8:04am | IP Logged | ||
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If memory serves, 'being cross with...' is a perfectly valid way of expressing temporary minor anger at someone in British English. Though its probably a tad dated. :-)
Edited by napoleon on 23 October 2011 at 8:15am 4 persons have voted this message useful | |||
| tennisfan Triglot Senior Member United States Joined 5370 days ago 130 posts - 247 votes Speaks: English*, Italian, Spanish Studies: German | Message 3 of 33 23 October 2011 at 8:09am | IP Logged | ||
Well, yes.... :) and I've heard Australians and British use it more often. But a young woman in her 20s in the States would definitely sound a bit funny saying "don't be cross" and meaning it completely seriously... more than a tad dated. But, of course, not incorrect. Which was my point---that she would say something like that and you would think "that's a tad odd..." and *might* think she's not a native speaker, and/or was cryogenically frozen for fifty years... 1 person has voted this message useful | |||
| Brun Ugle Diglot Senior Member Norway brunugle.wordpress.c Joined 6630 days ago 1292 posts - 1766 votes Speaks: English*, NorwegianC1 Studies: Japanese, Esperanto, Spanish, Finnish | Message 4 of 33 23 October 2011 at 10:51am | IP Logged | ||
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I have had a similar experience in a relationship. It really is hard to switch languages like that. If you meet someone and get to know them in one language, it feels really strange to switch languages. It feels like you're pretending to be someone you're not. This is true even though it is her native language, since it is not the "native language" of your relationship.
My suggestion is that you continue to study and improve your Croatian so that at least there will be no barrier of understanding when using it. Trying to make a deal like speaking for an hour a day has never worked for me, but you might be able to make it work. What I have found worked to some extent was to create situations where it would be unnatural to use English, or at least more natural to use the other language. You mentioned her Croatian friends and that you speak Croatian with them. Try to have them over as much as possible. Then you would be speaking with them in Croatian and she of course, would be speaking with them in Croatian, so it would be very natural that you and she speak to each other in Croatian as well. Even something like watching Croatian movies together with her would give you a situation where if you made a comment about the movie, it would be natural to do it in Croatian. It seems strange that such a thing should be such a huge change in a relationship, but it really is, so you have to be patient and give it time. You can always speak to her in Croatian, even if she answers in English, gradually it will feel more natural for her as she gets used to your speaking Croatian, and she might begin to speak it to you too. 7 persons have voted this message useful | |||
| Fenn Groupie United Kingdom Joined 4901 days ago 51 posts - 119 votes Speaks: English* Studies: Italian | Message 5 of 33 23 October 2011 at 10:55am | IP Logged | ||
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Maybe because she is in an English speaking country she thinks its only "right" to speak the local language. I know my Grandma would only speak English (even at home) when she first arrived in England and despises foreigners who speak their native language when out and about, due to it "not being right".
Personally, id approach the subject a couple more times then drop it for a few months. There's obviously a reason for her not wanting to speak Croatian and you bringing the subject up often isnt going to make her change her mind. Edited by Fenn on 23 October 2011 at 10:56am 1 person has voted this message useful | |||
 newyorkeric Diglot Moderator Singapore Joined 6389 days ago 1598 posts - 2174 votes Speaks: English*, Italian Studies: Mandarin, Malay Personal Language Map | Message 6 of 33 23 October 2011 at 11:09am | IP Logged | ||
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Using a partner to practice is tricky and can be fustrating for both sides. Did you consider that it takes a lot
of effort for her to chat with a relative beginner? So if she doesn't seem open to the idea, get over it and get yourself a conversation partner or tutor and get to the point where you can converse at a natural level and then try again. Another thing you can do is just throw in a sentence or two in Croatian now and then. It will not put much of a burden on her, but you will get some practice and can show her that you are improving. Edited by newyorkeric on 23 October 2011 at 11:34am 1 person has voted this message useful | |||
| Matheus Senior Member Brazil Joined 5091 days ago 208 posts - 312 votes Speaks: Portuguese* Studies: English, French | Message 7 of 33 23 October 2011 at 11:57am | IP Logged | ||
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I think she really enjoys that you're learning her native language, but she might think
that it's not that important, I mean, not as important as English, which is her second language and as you said, she speaks almost perfectly. I think that she wants to speak English all the time, and it makes sense, because she is in an English speaking country. Speaking Croatian would benefit you, but it wouldn't benefit her. Think about her, with Croatian she can speak with her friends and you, but with English, she can speak with the whole country. Don't be selfish. I understand your effort and I really believe that she loves the fact that you're learning, but it's more important if she still improving her English than if you learn fluent Croatian. Also, she could be afraid of getting used to speaking only in Croatian with you (she would not improve her English), so she could become lazy at speaking English, which is the point why she is in the US. If I moved to another country, I wouldn't speak Portuguese to my girlfriend, even if she really insisted. She would be the person I would speak the most, so why speak in my native language? There would be no point, even though I would appreciate if she were learning Portuguese, maybe to "secret talk" or something. And, the term "cross" is common, but maybe not that common, I've heard it a few times on British tv, being European I guess this was the English she learnt at school. And at least but not last, when you're used to speaking to someone in a language, it's very difficult to change, not joking. I've been abroad and I met many people, and after one week I found out one of them was bilingual (Galician-Spanish) and she spoke Portuguese. I really kept speaking English, not to practice, but just because I couldn't switch to Portuguese, it seemed strange and unnatural. 1 person has voted this message useful | |||
| ember Triglot Groupie CyprusRegistered users can see my Skype Name Joined 5413 days ago 63 posts - 101 votes Speaks: Russian*, English, German Studies: Spanish, French, Greek, Polish | Message 8 of 33 23 October 2011 at 4:52pm | IP Logged | ||
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I experienced this kind of situation from the other side of the fence, when I just met my
husband. Actually, he did not really want to speak Russian with me, but all my friends were asking the same question - why don't you teach him more Russian? For me, it was simply so much easier to speak English to him than struggle through his lack of vocabulary and grammar so poor that it becomes impossible to understand him at times. I want to work on the relationship itself, not on my partner's language skills, otherwise it becomes more about learning and less about us two. An easy and fun discussion would turn into a frustrating search for words and explanations of grammar structures. Granted, some people might cope with that better than some others, but I believe unless you are fluent enough, you should keep language practice separate from your love life. Edited by ember on 23 October 2011 at 4:52pm 9 persons have voted this message useful |
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